My Peace Is Not Postponed Until I Am Healthy

Summer is almost over, and I cannot wait. My body has always loved the cool air of spring and fall. Summer and multiple sclerosis have never been close friends. Heat slows me down. It clouds my thinking. It reminds me that my body plays by a different set of rules than it once did.

Even so, this summer did not win. 

There were moments when the temperature tried to convince me to stay home. There were days when my body whispered, “Not today.” I listened when I needed to. I rested when it made sense. Then I got up and lived anyway.

I refuse to let summer tell me what I can and cannot experience. Living with MS has taught me something I wish I had learned sooner. Your life shrinks long before your body does if you keep waiting for perfect conditions.

Some of my favorite moments had nothing to do with graduations.

With one less roommate at home, my wife and I found ourselves enjoying quiet afternoons together. A simple brunch. A movie. A slow drive with nowhere important to be. Those ordinary moments have become extraordinary.

When I am with my wife, something changes. For a little while, I stop measuring my life by symptoms. I stop wondering how far I can walk or how much energy I have left. I feel like the version of myself that MS never managed to steal.

She reminds me that I am still me.

Not the man with multiple sclerosis.

Not the guy in the wheelchair.

Not the husband who moves a little slower.

Simply… me.

Peace has become something different than I imagined years ago.

It is not the absence of disease.

It is not waking up symptom-free.

It is not waiting for the MRI that says everything is gone.

Peace is watching a movie with my family.  It is cooking dinner together.

It is sitting quietly while my mind drifts into stillness, fully aware that I am not healed, yet refusing to believe this chapter is my final destination.

I still believe my healing is coming.

Maybe it arrives through medicine.

Maybe through science. Maybe through something none of us has imagined yet. I see it happening. 

Until then, I refuse to postpone my joy. Every morning begins the same way. I wake up knowing MS will ask something of me. It is a loop that grows old. Some days it asks for my balance. Other days it asks for my patience. Sometimes it demands both before breakfast.

Yet every challenge gives me another chance to answer the same question.

Who am I when life becomes difficult? The answer has surprised me. I am more grateful than I used to be. More present. More intentional. I am more accepting. 

I have learned that peace is not something waiting for me at the finish line. It is something I practice while I am still running the race, even if I happen to be rolling through parts of it.

My life is not on hold.

My happiness is not delayed.

My purpose has not been canceled.

Multiple sclerosis may have changed the route, but it does not get to choose the destination.

My peace is not postponed until I am healthy.

It lives with me today.