I love you and I hope you love me too. I am really easing into the things I’ve been really wanting to share with everybody for some time now. I am a lil afraid to release these blogs because I don’t want anyone to think I am not a believer or have no faith. My beliefs are personal and odd. I feel they are aren’t new beliefs since I had MS. It’s something that I have always felt has been with me.
The story I’m about to tell is one of the stories I don’t tell enough. Because some won’t believe me or think what I did was against their GODs will. Or worst, it’s not true.
There was a time that my wife got sick a while ago for about a year. Doctors could not tell her exactly what she had because it looked like this but it looks like that, they will say. After some appointments my wife felt hopeless and desperate. She felt that the only way to figure this all out is to start a detox on her insides and out. She began eliminating certain products and focused on her diet.
She will do water fasting, coffee enemas , then came the juicing everyday, and eventually got me drinking celery juice. I didn’t even know you can get anything from celery besides the refusal to eat or drink it. Her diet was raw, clean and hold the seasoning. It was a very hard journey for her to go through alone. I know my wife felt a sense of envy while I go on with my lifestyle of eating wasn’t easy to watch.
My wife quit her business of making design cookies. She started to lean harder into her faith. She prayed we prayed together. Her spirituality evolved into a bubble of love and light. She started to read again, so i started reading too. We will sometimes stay up Late and talk about religion and our theology about how this all may be connected on a micro and macro level of existence. Her beliefs were strengthening where I was still curious and learning through my wife. Through my wife’s healing I felt like our relationship was gong to change and this is time to transform with her because why not. My thinking at the time was I need to support my wife. I may not understand half the stuff she was reading and talking about, but she was talking to me and only me about it.
It was during this time that I had sleepless nights because I had anxiety over my mortality and how I was scared of not existing anymore but of only memories.
I had no multiple sclerosis but symptoms were starting to show up. Before I go on any further,
I couldn’t tell this story without thanking my good friend who helped me unknowingly sort my ego and spiritual self before I got sick. This is a a nod to my friend “The Lettuce”, thank you for helping on so many levels that I could not comprehend. Thank you for always being around me, building, laughing, having real talk and then more laughing. There aren’t a lot of people I can call a friend and this is because you are “my brother from another mother”.
The universe has a way of meeting you where you at if your patient enough to listen for it.
So now that’s out of the way. All of this new cosmic wave came in a whoosh in 2019. That Summer I was starting to feel a pull to be present and letting go of things that were not serving my soul. Even my relationship with the ones I love has changed. I was more present, calm, and super patient.
My anxiety and constant worries were leaving me tired and always thinking .
Now that all of this backstory has been introduced and my history should explain my journey today, let’s get into how I have been after that one day of receiving the medicine that changed me.
I first heard about this psychedelic on a show one late late night on TV call Vice. It followed a shaman who was administrating the medicine/drug for folks who has experienced PTSD, depression, anxiety, and addiction. These folks had these mystic experiences that lasted about 15-20 minutes. I wouldn’t say to you that they were cured. They came back remembering something far better.
Living with Multiple Sclerosis has forced me to reevaluate everything I once took for granted. My body, my mind, and the illusion that I was ever truly in control of either.
A few years ago, in the new moon of November in 2019, I was invited to take a medicine that would completely flip my reality upside down. At the time, I had no idea the effects would echo this far into my life. I didn’t understand that one experience could permanently alter the way I perceive myself, my suffering, and the world around me. That medicine didn’t give me answers…..it gave me questions. And those questions changed everything.
What followed after that night of taking this medicine was an obsessive pull toward understanding consciousness, healing, and identity. I wasn’t just looking for relief from pain; I was trying to understand why pain exists at all, and what it’s trying to teach us.
My curiosity to better understand led me to books that fundamentally reshaped how I live with MS today. And also how I perceive this journey we call life.
Books like “How to Change Your Mind”, Michael Pollan explores how psychedelics loosen rigid mental frameworks. Living with MS, rigidity is everywhere…diagnoses, timelines, limitations, and worst case scenarios. This book helped me recognize that suffering intensifies when the mind becomes trapped in fixed narratives. MS didn’t disappear, but my relationship to it softened. I learned that flexibility of mind can exist even when the body feels unreliable.
Pihkal by Alexander Shulgin took this further. It wasn’t just about chemistry, it was about curiosity without fear. Reading it felt like permission to explore consciousness without being paranoid or weird, maybe a little bit of shame. Shame because you are given a religion to follow when you are born and I was connecting my own dots, and leaving the traditional faith that grew up knowing. My belief’s may be odd but I wasn’t alone.
MS had already forced my nervous system into chaos; Pihkal taught me that altered states aren’t inherently broken states. Sometimes they’re invitations to listen more carefully.
I started to eat more cleaner and meditated nearly every day and night. Probably not as much as I Would have liked too. I read and read some more. My thirst for answers were just filed with more and more questions
The strange part was this: the more I read, the more it felt like remembering rather than learning. As if this knowledge wasn’t new, but buried. I began to see these books as breadcrumbs, quiet reminders from the universe pointing me back to something I had forgotten about myself. I was relearning how I was a spiritual being having a human experience. Maybe for some this concept is hard to really wrap your head around. But most of you have Wi-Fi, even though you cannot see it working it still does something to help your device(s) extend its reach and gather information for you.
The Psychedelic Renaissance and The New Science of Psychedelics helped me understand something critical: the mind and body are not separate systems. MS is a neurological condition, but it doesn’t live only in my nerves; it also lives in my emotions, my thoughts, my fears, and my sense of identity. These books validated what I already felt in my body: healing is not linear, and it is never purely physical.
Then came The Origin of Consciousness in the Breakdown of the Bicameral Mind. This book took a while for me to get through. I had to quit mid way and hear the audio version of it. It was a snore fest. But when I got to it, this book shattered my understanding of selfhood. It forced me to question whether the voice in my head….the one that panics about symptoms, progression, and loss is actually me. That distinction alone changed how I coexist with MS. I am not the diagnosis. I am not the fear. I am the awareness witnessing both.
Once that sat down and made itself at home I was more accepting of the bull shit that life threw at me.
Books like Shamanism and Entheogens and the Future of Religion (which I’m still reading) spoke to something even deeper. MS stripped away the illusion that modern medicine has all the answers. These texts reminded me that humans have always sought meaning through altered states, ritual, and direct experience, not just survival, but connection. Connection to self. To community. To something larger than suffering.
These were never just intellectual exercises. They became part of my survival.
And I need to be completely honest with you here because honesty matters.
I have never said this publicly before, but if that medicine had not found me in 2019, I would not be here today. When I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 2022, the fear alone could have destroyed me. I was terrified of becoming a burden. Terrified of losing autonomy. Terrified of what my life might become. That fear could have driven me to make a decision that would have devastated the people I love. And shatter hearts to millions of pieces.
I am not saying anyone should go out and seek this medicine. I am not romanticizing it. I am simply telling my truth: that this experience gave me enough distance from my own fear to survive my diagnosis.
Living with MS has taught me that healing is not about fixing what’s broken. Sometimes nothing gets fixed. Sometimes the body doesn’t cooperate. Sometimes the answers never come.
But healing can also mean learning to see the cracks differently, and allowing the light that already exists to pass through them.
Me Myself, and MS 
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