I am not feeling it today.

I promise to keep this post short.

Getting dressed used to take me three to five minutes. Now it takes twenty. What once felt automatic has become a slow ritual of stretching, balancing, and negotiating with my own body. Every morning feels like a long yoga session I never signed up for. I stretch for three minutes just to pull on one sock. Reaching for a shirt feels like holding a peaceful warrior pose that never quite ends.

It is only 7 days into the new year, and already I feel like quitting. Even writing that feels frightening. Am I serious about that thought. Maybe. But I am not ready to give up. I cannot. The cost would be too high for the people who depend on me. I have a beautiful wife, amazing two kids, and three cats who rely on me every day. Our life is not filled with glitz or glamour, but we make it work. Love is our currency, and we trade it for peace and small blessings wherever we can find them.

 woke up feeling different today, though I cannot say better. Nothing has been easy for a long time. I am trying to find an apartment with an elevator or a first floor place where access is simple. Stairs are one of my greatest enemies. Climbing and descending to the second floor is one of the hardest parts of my day.

There are three things that stop me in my tracks every single day.

• Stairs

• Showers

• Getting dressed

Getting into a car is just as hard. Getting into bed is its own challenge. And if something falls to the floor, it is gone. There is no kneeling down to retrieve it. No heroic effort. I just hope someone else will find it and place it in a lost and found, because that is the only way it comes back to me.

This is not a story about giving up. It is a plea to be seen. I am tired. I am scared. And I am doing everything I can to keep going, one slow painful movement at a time

I’ll end with saying I love you and I hope you love me too.